• 

The screen generation.

I can’t put statistics into any of this I can only speak from experience. We’ve become organisms who get excited by the sound of a notification on our phones, some sort of adrenaline rush occurs.

We started needing acceptance from absolute strangers. Almost 95% of the people we interact with are people we’ve never met, the other 5% we hardly speak to in reality.

Self-worth is now predetermined by the number of likes and if the number of comments is a storm then you have made it big time! Reposts on stories, scrolling, envy on our minds.

Everyone one is so happy. Relationship goals are popping. Rich kids all over. World’s amazing. Isn’t it?

It is sickening. On one day, you feel like you belong and the next back to some sort of depression wondering where it all went wrong.

All of this is not so bad. Except for the fact that the media has enslaved us. We can’t go a day without checking who has reacted to our posts, stories or whatsoever.

Our communicating skills with the people around us have declined. We would rather scroll and refresh feeds on our phones. This is bad. We can’t have decent relationships with anyone anymore. We fucked up big time.

Road trips, tours or any bonding experience has become less of that and more of a snapping experience, to actually price that you can afford that life, you are happy and everything is going well. Every detail needs to be snapped.

Why do I hate the gram and media in general? It took away emotion. It took away authenticity to who you actually are and what you actually have.

We have muted our emotions by creating memes out of it. We try to silence the actual sad reality of certain matters.

What happened to being excited to just spending quality time with loved ones, what happened to just focusing on what’s important.

When did strangers become so important? When did the meaning of Self-worth change? What happened to real? What happened to who we really are? When did it all lose meaning?

Don’t blame us millennials though. Companies are out there benefiting from this sick addiction and that’s why it cannot be out down.

It was intended for communication, but damn the communication with the people around us could not have been worse.

I want to go back to the 80’s. There’s shit I have to experience without the influence of the media. I want to go back.

Yours Truly

Alliyah Mbambi

• 

Live life. I think that is what is meant to be done.

Break the rules, just know which rules won't break you in return. 

Don’t deny your self the simple pleasure to love because when you do experience it nothing will feel better.

I don’t know what love is. I have an idea maybe but I do not know the meaning of the verb version of it.

When you are young it’s the best time to be alive. There’s not much to be asked for.

There’s some electrifying connection, and at most it is not felt be the heart. And that’s why it does not last too often. It was a short infinitum.

All you really want is to be held tightly and lean against their body. To feel the feel the warmth of another body. Sometimes it comes in the form of lips intertwining, the antagonist action of the lips. The increase in breathing rate. The increase in temperature. I tell you all you really want is this.

So what it ends the next minute? The memory is still right there. For memory to be formed something has to have happened.

You never really get to create some long long infinitum but the moments exchanged are priceless and I’d rather experience a million short infinitums rather than one long infinitum.

I thank the person who is responsible for all my statehouse bench memories. I thank the person who is responsible for my little titanic moment featuring the best ice-cream in the world. I thank the person responsible for my appreciation of Valentine’s day. I thank my first short infinitum.

AM-CH

Always

~Alliyah Mbambi

• 

It’s 3 am . I can’t sleep. Too many thoughts. Ever go through life doing just the right thing because you are told that way your life will be perfect. Excuse that thought. It’s a lie. I’ve had perfect grades all my life, I never went out to drink with friends, I worked hard at the simplest school projects. And now here I am , still wondering why everything is not falling in place. Still wondering if I’m worth this world. Still wondering how do I make it to the top. Tired of dreaming. Tired of making plans. Tired of changing my mind at the end of the day.

I’ve never really ever made any independent choice . Whether it was whether to spend my last $ 50 on chocolate or save it for next week or whether I had to change outfits or the one I had one was just fine. I always needed assurance. I needed someone to accept my decisions.

Friends. I have a friend who is more like my business partner she taught me to dream, she taught me that nothing is impossible. The only bad thing is that I didn’t know that life would eventually separate us and we’d move to different schools. I am in some beachy town now, nerdy. Not a single a friend I can trust mostly because my personality doesn’t quite fit anyone’s there. I laugh with most people, for a awhile. When changing between classes I walk real fast to get to the next class. I do that alone. I never felt more like I don’t fit at a certain place like I do there. It’s crazy.

I miss my mom although when I get to her she starts driving me crazy. I miss how she would call me to join her at night. I miss how she’d call me to watch with her, her soapies that I hate. I miss her big dreams of owning an amarok . I miss the way she’d testified to the name of the Lord. I miss her remindkng me to just study very hard and everything will be fine. She’s trying to keep me out of the poverty cycle. She’s worried what will happen to me after she’s gone. Mommy I’m going to be just fine. I love her because I’ve never seen anyone love me as much as she does. I’ve never seen someone willing to give up all she has for just me. I love my mother . Oh I love you mommy.

I still am confused honestly. What should I be doing? Where have I gone wrong? Where and what is success? Will it all really come with time? I doubt . Time has been passing by and things have only been worsening or becoming harder.

Dreams are not enough anymore. Being yourself is not enough. There’s this void I feel each time and I don’t know what will fill it.

I want to do good. I want to do good for me, for my mama and for my babies. I just need a roadmap. I need assurance.

Love

~Alliyah Mbambi

I’ve reached the limit of proportionality and any further activity is futile because everything is broken.

I’m stuck in a labyrinth and it’s a labyrinth I don’t want to leave because what’s outside of it is worse. Eventually I’m gonna leave it and it is what I’m most afraid of.

This is the end of the road

When you have tried to run so far When you thought running meant you would avoid getting hurt because you have learnt what situation brings hurts to you and you run and you keep running

But fuck, life caught up to me.

-AM

She wasn’t talking about love, turns out the world breaks one in different ways.

Words I can’t keep on paper anymore and I can’t put them in a song either.

AM