It’s 3 am . I can’t sleep. Too many thoughts. Ever go through life doing just the right thing because you are told that way your life will be perfect. Excuse that thought. It’s a lie. I’ve had perfect grades all my life, I never went out to drink with friends, I worked hard at the simplest school projects. And now here I am , still wondering why everything is not falling in place. Still wondering if I’m worth this world. Still wondering how do I make it to the top. Tired of dreaming. Tired of making plans. Tired of changing my mind at the end of the day.
I’ve never really ever made any independent choice . Whether it was whether to spend my last $ 50 on chocolate or save it for next week or whether I had to change outfits or the one I had one was just fine. I always needed assurance. I needed someone to accept my decisions.
Friends. I have a friend who is more like my business partner she taught me to dream, she taught me that nothing is impossible. The only bad thing is that I didn’t know that life would eventually separate us and we’d move to different schools. I am in some beachy town now, nerdy. Not a single a friend I can trust mostly because my personality doesn’t quite fit anyone’s there. I laugh with most people, for a awhile. When changing between classes I walk real fast to get to the next class. I do that alone. I never felt more like I don’t fit at a certain place like I do there. It’s crazy.
I miss my mom although when I get to her she starts driving me crazy. I miss how she would call me to join her at night. I miss how she’d call me to watch with her, her soapies that I hate. I miss her big dreams of owning an amarok . I miss the way she’d testified to the name of the Lord. I miss her remindkng me to just study very hard and everything will be fine. She’s trying to keep me out of the poverty cycle. She’s worried what will happen to me after she’s gone. Mommy I’m going to be just fine. I love her because I’ve never seen anyone love me as much as she does. I’ve never seen someone willing to give up all she has for just me. I love my mother . Oh I love you mommy.
I still am confused honestly. What should I be doing? Where have I gone wrong? Where and what is success? Will it all really come with time? I doubt . Time has been passing by and things have only been worsening or becoming harder.
Dreams are not enough anymore. Being yourself is not enough. There’s this void I feel each time and I don’t know what will fill it.
I want to do good. I want to do good for me, for my mama and for my babies. I just need a roadmap. I need assurance.
Love
~Alliyah Mbambi
Alliyah's Blog 